So begins my worst fear in the world, you’re slipping through my fingers. I’m aware yet unable to prevent it, all I can do is watch as we drift apart from a pure, comforting, loving relationship. The good times become harder and the hard times become more unbearable without you to keep me fighting. I don’t blame either of us in any way for what happened, we were becoming distant and frustrated. Soon after the frustration turned into a spark that would ignite the flame of a string of fights that would ultimately engulf me leaving nothing but a scorched silhouette of the man I used to be. I lost my job and was left utterly defeated and empty, but I kept going for you. I began to become more and more reclusive, maybe I was hiding from the world or maybe I was hiding myself from you. I didn’t like what had happened to me, I just wanted to be the boyfriend you needed but I was drowning in my own feelings of self loathing and apathy. Extreme lows gave way to extreme highs when I would finally hear from you again, you needed to talk. The cycle was usually similar. Admitting guilt, the tears, the fights, the making up and the ultimate will to be together again always gave way. We knew we didn’t spend enough time apart to settle our differences properly, but we always gave in to how we felt and how we needed each other. I don’t regret this because I knew we always ended up right where we wanted to be, and that, I hope is still true. This time we’re taking more time despite our feelings and I think it’s the right time to make sure we repair the cracks in the foundation of our lives together.
We broke up and got back together so many times, it was so unfortunate that we had to break up that one last time, and I soon realized that we couldn’t get back together weeks or months later like we previously had and that caused me a pain that has never really left. I will move mountains one day to make it happen again, hopefully for good because I was getting ready to settle down. I don’t think you were but I don’t blame you for that, if you’re not ready there’s nothing you can do other than wait.
The following months were pain and self hatred, wishing things had gone differently but I couldn’t change the past I could only try and forget it. The next time I see you I’m praying that we can carry on from where we left off. I bide my time waiting for the right moment, and eventually I kiss you again. My heart is beating so hard and fast I can hear it and I’m sure you can feel it. But then you stopped me, you don’t think it’s a good idea that we kiss and once again I’m left defeated and upset. I’ve never wanted anything this bad before, it used to be so easy for me. Again begins a period of feeling low for me, I can do nothing but keep trying, desperately grasping to the hope I can win you over somehow. I don’t want to give up on you because you’re my soulmate, the love of my life and my best friend in the world.
I keep talking to you every day, telling you everything about myself and my life as I’ve grown so accustomed to doing. I try to control my feelings, however this isn’t always possible, and I hate the way I’ve become and I begin to say hurtful things just to get back at you, and it upsets me to think of some of the things I said to you. I just need you to know why I did the things that I did and I guess that’s what these letters are about.
So we come to the conclusion of this story, and I no longer believe I can stay in contact with you at this time. I’m not sure at the moment that I can talk to you because I have a lot of healing to do, the doctors say I have adjustment issues and I’m inclined to believe them. I never adjusted to life without you, in my eyes I see it as an addiction, yes I’m addicted to you. Letting you go was the hardest thing I’ve ever done in my life and I knew I couldn’t do it alone, I needed you to help me. I know it was hard for you too but I’d like to try and explain why I think it’s different for me. I know you still see me as your best friend, but I love you and I still see you as more than a friend. Much more in fact. There is a deep, deep connection that we share and now that you’re gone I feel like so many parts of myself are missing. These are parts that I can’t replace, I feel incomplete without you. I feel myself growing less confident without you to make me feel better about myself. I find myself opening my phone to message you about something that happened to me or something I’ve achieved that I want to share before I realize I can’t. I hope you read all of my letters, and I hope it sparks some kind of feeling in you that will make you want me again, although I’m not sure that will be the case.