So begins my worst fear in the world, you’re slipping through my fingers. I’m aware yet unable to prevent it, all I can do is watch as we drift apart from a pure, comforting, loving relationship. The good times become harder and the hard times become more unbearable without you to keep me fighting. I don’t blame either of us in any way for what happened, we were becoming distant and frustrated. Soon after the frustration turned into a spark that would ignite the flame of a string of fights that would ultimately engulf me leaving nothing but a scorched silhouette of the man I used to be. I lost my job and was left utterly defeated and empty, but I kept going for you. I began to become more and more reclusive, maybe I was hiding from the world or maybe I was hiding myself from you. I didn’t like what had happened to me, I just wanted to be the boyfriend you needed but I was drowning in my own feelings of self loathing and apathy. Extreme lows gave way to extreme highs when I would finally hear from you again, you needed to talk. The cycle was usually similar. Admitting guilt, the tears, the fights, the making up and the ultimate will to be together again always gave way. We knew we didn’t spend enough time apart to settle our differences properly, but we always gave in to how we felt and how we needed each other. I don’t regret this because I knew we always ended up right where we wanted to be, and that, I hope is still true. This time we’re taking more time despite our feelings and I think it’s the right time to make sure we repair the cracks in the foundation of our lives together.
I reached a point I never thought I could stoop to and I ended up in hospital. That place haunts me to this day, I was constantly being watched and never allowed out of the sight of the staff. I was placed on a cocktail of drugs that dulled me to the point I was almost robotic and emotionless, I’m sure it killed you to see me like that. Even in the darkest of times you were my light, you were the reason I still had fight left in me and you made damn sure I didn’t give up. None of my friends came to visit and I don’t blame them, I didn’t want anyone to see me like that but I let you because I needed you. You came to visit every single day even more than my own family and the few hours of visiting time a day were the only thing I had to look forward to. On the 5th day they allowed me to leave the hospital under your supervision and it was the first glimpse of happiness I’d felt in that miserable place. I’d go as far to say it was one of the best days of my life not because the events were extraordinary, but because of the contrast it offered from the rest of the time. You only took me to McDonald’s and we sat in your car and chatted before visiting time was over and I had to go back. I remember you cried when I left and I think I did too because I’d seen happiness again only to have it taken away from me hours later. I hope you understand why I can’t go back there even if I need to.
I was released from the hospital and thrown back into my home life with nothing to fill my time until you had finished work, I was still adjusting to standing on my own two feet and functioning in every day life. But you never gave up on me, you kept me going even when I was running on empty and I’ll never forget that. From then on I began to grow less and less stable as time went on, and I know it was difficult for you to deal with especially as you had your own problems too. But we managed for a long time and that time to me was the most meaningful, I had you when I’d lost everything else.
We broke up and got back together so many times that people began to question if we were right for each other, but deep down we both knew we were and that was all that mattered. It was so unfortunate that we had to break up that one last time, and I soon realized that we couldn’t get back together weeks or months later like we previously had and that caused me a pain that has never really left. I will move mountains one day to make it happen again, hopefully for good because I was getting ready to settle down. I don’t think you were but I don’t blame you for that, if you’re not ready there’s nothing you can do other than wait.
Halloween was on the way and we’d both always enjoyed dressing up and seeing friends, we always enjoyed Halloween. However last year was different because the place we were invited to was so far from home, and I didn’t feel ready to go to a strange city and spend the night with a lot of people I’d never met. I want you to go because I knew you’d enjoy yourself so you made your way there and I stayed in bed on my own. We were talking the whole time and later in the night the conversation shifted and took on a darker tone. You were telling me how things weren’t working anymore and we were fighting too much and not making each other as happy as before. Finally you said you wanted to break up, and I asked you to talk to me about it the next day because you’d been drinking and you were out. I fell asleep shortly after this and received a string of messages. I checked them in the morning and you’d told me you couldn’t be with me anymore, as I read them tears flooded my eyes and all I could do was hope you weren’t serious, but you were. And that was when it happened, he showed interest in you and as far as you were concerned you were single. And there it was, the news that shattered my heart and my mind, you slept with him. I quickly forgave you as I always did, but to no avail as we couldn’t get back together. If you’d asked me I would have said yes in a heartbeat, I guess that’s a weakness of mine. This took me a lot of time to move past, but I’m finally there now. After all it was just a drunken fling.
The following months were pain and self hatred, wishing things had gone differently but I couldn’t change the past I could only try and forget it. You began to struggle more in your daily life and you would occasionally use sex to help yourself cope. Every time I heard you’d slept with someone my heart would turn to ice and everything I’d workedto rebuild would be crushed again. I don’t blame you for this either, you were single and having fun like I did at that age. Despite the pain this was causing me I carried on talking to you because I couldn’t stay away, to my own detriment. All the while I was hoping that one day we could start over again, and that hope kept me talking to you because I couldn’t live with myself if I missed the chance.
You were on a night out and got stranded with nowhere to stay, so naturally I offered to pick you up and take you home. When we got to your house there was a slight pause before you asked me inside. I felt my stomach do a flip inside me and tie itself in knots, this was what I’d been waiting for for such a long time. We go inside and get in your bed but I don’t want to overstep my boundaries and touch you or act inappropriately. All I’m hoping for is that I can hold you in my arms while we sleep, and you’re facing away from me as I lie on my back with my heart pounding. Eventually you turn around and cheekily ask me why I’m nowhere near you, I snap up the opportunity and get as close as I possibly can. My fingers run lightly over your skin, from your legs to your back and up to your neck. I’m savoring the feeling, I’m savoring the warmth of your body and I’m savoring the smell of your hair. Finally, I’m in heaven. You slowly turn around to face me, and in the pitch black I reach my hand out to your face. You reciprocate by leaning your head closer to me and I go in for a kiss. God how I missed the feel of your lips on mine, I missed the sound of your breath and I missed the feeling of pure love that I felt when I kissed you.
The next time I see you I’m praying that we can carry on from where we left off. I bide my time waiting for the right moment, and eventually I kiss you again. My heart is beating so hard and fast I can hear it and I’m sure you can feel it. But then you stopped me, you don’t think it’s a good idea that we kiss and once again I’m left defeated and upset. I’ve never wanted anything this bad before, it used to be so easy for me but now I’m struggling to make you surrender to your feelings, I know you love me. Again begins a period of feeling low for me, I’m watching from afar as people who are strangers to you get the one thing I’ve longed for since the day I met you all those years ago. All the while I can do nothing but keep trying, desperately grasping to the hope I can win you over somehow. I don’t want to give up on you because you’re my soulmate, the love of my life and my best friend in the world.
I keep talking to you every day, telling you everything about myself and my life as I’ve grown so accustomed to doing. I try to control my feelings and my jealousy because I want you to enjoy yourself even if it breaks me. However this isn’t always possible, and I begin to lose my temper when you’re with someone that isn’t me as wrong as I know it is. I begin to think you’re over me completely but unfortunately I have yet to get over you, and the thought of this sends me spiralling downwards rapidly. I hate the way I’ve become and I begin to say hurtful things just to get back at you, and it upsets me to think of some of the things I said to you. I just need you to know why I did the things that I did and I guess that’s what these letters are about.
So we come to the conclusion of this story, and I no longer believe I can stay in contact with you at this time. I’m not sure at the moment that I can talk to you because I have a lot of healing to do, the doctors say I have adjustment issues and I’m inclined to believe them. I never adjusted to life without you, in my eyes I see it as an addiction, yes I’m addicted to you. Letting you go was the hardest thing I’ve ever done in my life and I knew I couldn’t do it alone, I needed you to help me. I know it was hard for you too but I’d like to try and explain why I think it’s different for me. I know you love me and you see me as your best friend, but I love you and I still see you as more than a friend. Much more in fact. There is a deep, deep connection that we share and now that you’re gone I feel like so many parts of myself are missing. These are parts that I can’t replace, I feel incomplete without you. I feel myself growing less confident without you to make me feel better about myself. I find myself opening my phone to message you about something that happened to me or something I’ve achieved that I want to share before I realise I can’t. I hope you read all of my letters, and I hope it sparks some kind of feeling in you that will make you want me again, although I’m not sure that will be the case.
After all these months you have begun dating again, and this is why I had to distance myself, for both of our benefits. I can’t help but wonder if he knows about me, I’m sure he wouldn’t approve if he did. I can’t help but wonder if you feel the same when you kiss him as you did with me, or maybe even stronger. When I think about this it brings a tear to my eye because he is unknowingly taking you from me. I don’t think he could possibly know how much it hurts me to hear that you’re with him, and I’m not sure I could handle the guilt of him knowing. I know I probably can’t compete with him because he seems to be a much better person than me and there are so many things he can give you that I can’t. One thing I know for certain is that he won’t ever love you like I do, no one will. Not only that but I will never love anyone like I love you. So sure am I of this that I’m not even willing to try, all I can do is sit and wait hoping that these letters reach you and one day I get a message from you saying you want me back. If that happens I want you to know I’m yours without hesitation, I don’t care what anyone says because they don’t understand how I feel. However now it is time to say goodbye to you and wish you luck whether it’s with or without me. I truly hope you excel in all of your endeavors and have meaningful and fulfilling times ahead of you. It is with a heavy heart that I say my final words to you for the time being, just remember you are my love, my everything and my purpose in this life. I love you with every fiber of my being and I ask one more thing from you. I ask that if you do read my letters you send me your thoughts and that some of them inspire me to keep fighting for you until you are mine again. I will never give up on you, you are my dream.